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So... worst day ever. 22 Nov 2008|11:42am
mood | annoyed
music | Times Like These by The Foo Fighters... but in my head.

Yesterday was pretty much bipolar. I don't mean that in the medical sense, just that it had two very definite themes going on.

So I'm driving to school yesterday, just minding my own business in my tiny fuel-efficient little car that will crumple like a tin can if it gets hit, and I changed lanes and drove in the slow lane. Then, without signalling, or OBVIOUSLY checking his blind spot, this dude in a Ford F350 (of course. You know, because Ford drivers are all stupid assholes who have no idea how to properly pilot a vehicle) starts to sideswipe me into the concrete barrier... luckily I happen to be pretty observant (especially when I'm near anyone in a truck, because I've seen enough of them pull scary moves like that around here) to pull back and not get hit. But it was close. Like, 2 seconds of reaction time close. So I shook all the way to the school... where, as it turns out, Mister Car Accident Waiting-To-Happen goes TOO.

I pulled up behind him.

Me: Hi. Dude. I need to talk to you for a second.
Him: What?
Me: You almost killed me on the highway back there. You tried to change lanes without looking and would have sideswiped me into the concrete barrier!
Him: Well. I'm sorry. But I've seen your car around here

(for the record, he's probably seen MULTIPLES of my car around here. It's a black Sunfire, and I can count about 15 in the college parking lot alone, nevermind in parking lots and driveways all over the city. I'd be willing to drop that number down to 5 and countless in driveways, just considering the way the body styles have changed as the years of Sunfire-production went by.)

and you go to fast, zipping in and out of traffic. [Said the guy going 120 in an 80 zone who almost killed a person today.]
Me: Are you fucking kidding. The fact that my car changes lanes faster than that POS ever could means that I'm a bad driver when you CHANGE LANES WITHOUT LOOKING?!?!
Him: *starts to say something*
Me: You know what, NO. I'd wish car-accident DEATH on you, but it's going to happen anyway because you're such a shitty driver, so I don't HAVE to. Have a good fucking day.


Oh, and another thing on the record, the guy's licence plate number is LCE - 354, Alberta plates. And I think he has the corner folded over so that photo radar can't catch him, because I really had to crane my neck to see the 4... omg. I should call the cops about that. :)

And then I went to a parking spot in my usual lot and started shaking and crying. I shook and cried all the way through my Poli Sci lecture, and then had to phone my mom so she could ORDER me to get back in my car and drive it home. I got in the car (and luckily, I'm not too scared to drive, even though there was a second there where I thought I would be) and shook and cried at least part of the way home. Mostly at this point, I was angry that he had tried to blame it on me and just upset for having the shit scared out of me in general.

So I get home, and we decide to take Gramma shopping. Which was actually pretty fun, save for the fact that I had to tell my story a few more times, and that made me cry all over again every time I managed to stop. But Gramma makes me laugh pretty freaking hard, so I eventually forgot about it for a while as she sat there and said funny Gramma things.

Then I came home again and finished everything on my Poli Sci paper. My crappy first draft got edited again, I tried to do my citations correctly, I made a reference page and title page... and now all that there is to do is just edit it whenever I see fit to try and maximize the mark... but the thing I have on my hard drive right now would definitely pass me with a nice grade too. So at least that's a lot of stress off my shoulders.

Anyway, later on I drove shaking over to Jason's house, and we traded keys. Because I'm too much of a girl to drive my car right now, and I like the security of driving in the biggest and most badass Chevy I've ever seen in person. There's something much safer-feeling about 2/3rds of a ton of solid steel, a pushbar that once drove through another vehicle and sustained a scratch, and a Chevrolet 350.

So it kind of begs the question what to do with my Sunfire. Obviously, I love the little girl, but the safety thing is becoming a bigger and bigger issue as the drivers in Medicine Hat get worse and worse. Everyone's noticed a steady decline in the driving skill of people around them, and most of my friends and family - myself included - now drive by clinging to the steering wheel frantically and staring wide-eyed around them like a monster is going to come stomping out onto the road. The free and relaxed feeling I used to get while driving is slowly being replaced by a constant mathematical calculation of the chances of (x) car doing (y) crazy shit and the (z) outcome of me trying to dodge it. I am also SERIOUSLY not looking forward to snowfall.

Basically, I'll be fine this year. My mother leaves for Mexico in January and she's NOT taking her truck... which means I can drive the Jimmy as much as I want. It's got 4x4 and it's much bigger and proven safer than my 'fire. This spring, I'm planning on breaking out the Bel Air with much more intensity. I want to take lessons from someone on how to most-effectively drive a rear-wheel drive, and then invest in two sets of tires: all-season and winter, sandbags, and whatever minor repairs it may need. That way, I'll have a big safe tank of a car at my disposal.

And after that, I'll need to start looking at something safer for an everyday car. In my fear yesterday, I started picking out trucks from the 70s and 80s with solid-steel bodies, but that really remains to be seen. There are a lot of pros to something like that (huge engines, safety, general badassery) but there are also a lot of cons (buying used older vehicles means maintenance, fuel efficiency and environmentalism, parking the damn thing). So, we'll pretty much have to see about that, or maybe it'll mean getting a safer car or crossover vehicle with a newer date on it. All stuff I have to consider.



Anyhow, to put the feather in my cap of a bad day, I went ahead and reheated some shepard's pie. My mom was eating in the office so I went and sat in her dumb-fuck boyfriend's usual chair, shut his laptop so I wouldn't get pie in it, and moved it off to the side. I was talking to her when he walks in and goes: "You did NOT just shut my laptop! I've been downloading something for four fucking days!" and I tell him I'm so sorry and hurry to open it. I check, and then call out to him that his download is still working just fine and that I was sorry again... and then he storms towards the office yelling: "You keep your fucking hands off my computer, I can't even believe that you..." and then my mom sort of got up, stood between us, and stared him down.

I said I was sorry again, but I was already starting to shake, because hell, I'd already been crying all damn morning, my defenses against that kind of thing were NOT back up. Her dumb-fuck boyfriend (as he will from now on be referred to by) mixed himself a drink in the kitchen (because solving nonexistent problems with alcohol is very healthy.) and then eventually walked out of the house.

That was when I lost it. Doing more of that fun shaking and crying I'd been doing all day, trying to explain to my mom that she can do much, much better. I also explained that I feel like I'm being slowly shuffled out of my own house with him here (they have a campaign going right now to "better" the house, which usually involves moving, destroying or taking something that's MINE) and how he was always nasty to me when he thought she couldn't hear. There are a lot of other grievances there too, but those are really what the whole thing boils down to. I basically told her that if I matter as much to her as she says I do, she shouldn't be with someone who doesn't like me, end of story.

So I got upset about him for a while and she tried feebly to defend him even though he's the biggest dumb-fuck we've ever met in our lives, bless her little heart... and then she finally agreed with me a little. Of course, the second he came home she was obviously planning on ripping a strip off him for it anyway, but the fact that she conceded a little ground to my face made me feel a little better.

It was about that time that Clarissa showed up for a pre-planned wine and crackers girly-night sort of thing. She saw that I was crying, said something funny:

Mom: Well, what can I do for you?
Me: What?!
Mom: What can I do for you guys so you can have a nice night? Do you need glasses?
Clair: I'm going to need a glass, I HAVE A GARNISH!
Me: ...Awesome.

grabbed tissues, glasses and a corkscrew and we proceeded to get lightly toasted on White Zinfandel and Champagne while reading Cosmo and gossiping... it was really helpful in my current situation, and a better end to the night than I think I could have otherwise expected. After she left, I spoke to Marcella briefly about the laptop closing situation, and how yes, he had every right to be angry... because the world was ending. It makes me feel better overall to have that one put in perspective, especially when we started joking about how there was a rumbling sound in Medicine Hat that night, and not because of any man-made event, but simply because the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse were sent on their way, the second I closed that laptop, only to be diverted when I quickly realized my mistake and opened it again.

Tonight is going to be another girl's night, this time with a wider selection of girls, and probably dancing. Lots and lots of dancing. So that should relieve some of the mounting stress on me... hopefully.

I think that's it for this morning.

-Mel

Giant Fucking Orgy

So... 18 Nov 2008|03:21pm
mood | annoyed; mom, shut it
music | BBC World News

I've decided not to go back to MHC for another semester. I love going, and I love the learning process there... but I've decided to do something a LOT less academic with my life an there's not a lot of point to wasting 900 dollars at a time for a semester of college that won't build toward what I wanna do.

So I know what you're thinking, what does this bitch wanna do that she can't do in college?

Weeeeeell... I can do the program AT the college.

But what I really want to do, the thing I can see myself doing in 5, 10... maybe 15 years...

I wanna be a mechanic.





:)


The master plan is to get a job somewhere in the automotive field for the next six months or so, at least, and concurrently go through the process to pick a school... whether it ends up being SAIT, NAIT, MHC or whichever school I can take it at in Lethbridge. I also want to work out where I can get an apprenticeship, etc.

Since this is the first time I have EVER been able to see a clear path in my life as far as career goes... I am feeling just... so very zen.

This, this is good.

-Mel

Giant Fucking Orgy

Haven't done THIS in a while: 02 Nov 2008|01:01am
mood | amused



Dear James Woods: I would have sex with you. A lot of it. Or, if you're tired (as old people are wont to get) you could simply read me the phonebook. In any event, I would not be upset when you called me randomly the next day to ask me how work is going, I would even possibly accept an offer for more sex and/or phonebook recitals.

Thanks in advance,
-Mel


PS: Totally unrelated to my May-December with Jimmy up there, but I just realized how badly I need to fix up my profile.
Giant Fucking Orgy

Things I Am A Rockstar At: 21 Oct 2008|10:39pm
mood | calm
music | The First 48 on TV

Poli Sci:
Short Answer: 92%
Essay: 90%

Soci:
Multiple Choice: 93%
Essay: 100%

Psych:
Multiple Choice: 89%
...This one doesn't look as good as the others, but it's THE highest mark that I saw out of all of my prof's Psych 205 classes, so I'll definitely take it.

Oh thank shit, because I was pretty fucking sure that I was going to FAIL EVERYTHING EVER. I don't know why, maybe it's the fact that "college" and "midterms" sound pretty scary to someone who's not been in school for two years, and who spent the last year of high school doing things other than "giving a shit".

But yeah. Yeah yeah yeah.

Annnnnd, what else?

Have you ever been aching to tell someone something about themselves, and maybe it's harsh but it'd be really helpful in the long run, but then you don't, because the whiney drama that would ensue would be way too much for you to take because of REAL and IMPORTANT stresses in your life?

Of course you have, but I normally don't, because I normally just stand up and spit it. But it's been a very long time since a lot of things in my life have had just barely contained stress-potential... so I'm trying to be very cognizant of adding anything ELSE that could stress me out... which again, is weird for me.

Plus, I'm pretty much starting to feel like maybe some people don't deserve my guidance anymore. I know that sounds hopelessly self-centered, but let's face facts here: I have a lot of really crappy life experiences that I've managed to survive. That means that I have a huge fucking catalogue of coping mechanisms and things that allow me to deal healthily that I'd gladly share. I'm also ace at first impressions, figuring out what people are going to do, and other things that could help out someone who ...isn't so much. Also, I've usually got other people's best interests in mind... my life is handled. I might be working on school and having issues with my mom's shitty retard boyfriend... but as far as internal peace goes, I've got it, so I can take care of others.

So basically... if a person isn't grateful for the help (and I don't necessarily mean: following my advice to the letter. I DO mean however: giving an indication that they're listening, and thanking me for help that they just ASKED me for.) then... fuck 'em. Seriously guys. I am great, and I don't need to waste my time on people who are less than great.

I am such a bitch. Haha, for real.

Oh well, I guess. I am an incredibly happy bitch.

In other news: BEDTIME!

-Mel

Giant Fucking Orgy

Feeling... 16 Oct 2008|11:24pm
mood | happy
music | Pebbles purring on my lap. :)

Feeling pretty fucking lucky tonight, if I dare say it. Midterms are over and passed with high marks (more when I get all of them back), friend situations are minimalist but not at all volatile. I feel like I have a great handle on myself: the outward appearance, though never REALLY a problem, has been particularly copacetic of late, great hair, decent skin, weightloss that started with a terrible flu... but has been kept up by a mixture of eating well and leaving my house from time to time. On a bigger note, feeling an overwhelming sense of calmness and relaxation. Been more able to let useless people go, negotiate peace with people who matter and easily make the distinction. I'm not feeling overly involved with anyone who doesn't deserve it, and I'm not much too involved even with the people who do. I feel like everyone is just coexisting so peacefully right now, and those people who aren't, aren't existing.

Talking politics and understanding it locally for the first time in my life, waiting for old friends to come home for a visit, staying up too late but not caring too much - because I'm supposed to be an adult now...

Speaking of that, and strangely enough, I find myself wishing good from a deep place where it never came from before. Lamann has been coming up a lot lately, with people bitching about her ... or really whatever. I hear from a lot of sources, and reckon for myself, that she's too afraid of whatever fight may ensue to come talk to me again. It makes me sad a little bit, not because I'm dying for her friendship back - being perfectly honest, I don't believe either of us is the kind of friend the other one wants and needs. But there's no hate there. Other people are hating and whining and complaining, bringing her up out of anger, etc... and I can't help but remember a week or so where I was busy being broken up with and watching my father die. That week I was at her house every single day after working at a job I hated, throwing panic attacks, crying fits, passing out in her bed after exhausting myself emotionally. And I remember she was there for every second of it, petting my hair, knocking on the bathroom door and telling me to please come out and give her a hug, just sitting with me while I cried, driving me to the offending ex's house to get my shit... and I will never hate her. How can I turn around and bite the hand that held me while I cried?

I don't need her, but fuck... you know. I just can't get behind the hate.

The same is true for a couple other people who are just OVER. I can shake my head, and poke fun, and roll my eyes at whatever issues took you to the point where you're no longer my friend... but mostly, I just root for people to get their heads on straight if it's that, and if they've grown off in a different direction, I praise whatever marriage or child or significant other that has brought them happiness since...

I can't begrudge people much, not even their stupidity. If being in the dark about your large role in your own tragedies keeps you going, who am I to tell you to shake your fucking head? No one, really. I have my experiences, but unless you're ready to acknowledge that you're the cause of your own distress and NOT everyone else... what can I do. That applies to so many people lately, it's ridiculous. ...The truly surprising thing about it though, is a few of the people I thought it would always apply to, it doesn't. There's something really gratifying to see about someone taking command of their life and dealing with their bullshit.

I was going to say more, but I'm tired, Pebbles is climbing all over my keyboard, and I really should be getting to bed.

Finally though, thank a nonexistent deity for Jason. I don't know what I'd be doing without him in my life right now. It's been a year and a few months, and I feel like, though there's hiccups, we're always coming to new and better understandings and things aren't dull, so much as comfy and warm. He'll probably piss me off within 24 hours of me having written this, of course, because that's how it always works with me. But he'll be fine, and I'll be fine and we'll be fine. We'll compromise or just plain forget it... we might argue, but we won't fight. I have NEVER been in a relationship like this before. I've been in a few long and dragged out ones, but none that I've wanted to be in from the first second til right-this-second. I cannot be more grateful for my life right now. I simply cant.

-Mel

Giant Fucking Orgy

A++ would awesome again 28 Sep 2008|11:10am
mood | giggly
music | So What by Pink

"Well, on top of the fat girlfriend, moving home at 27 would really complete the holy trinity of hilarious bad things that happened to him."
"What was the first thing?"
"Being born."


Sometimes I tell my life to never change. But if my life changes and I never do, I think that that would be okay as well.

-Mel

Giant Fucking Orgy

Meet my kitty. 06 Sep 2008|07:30pm
mood | cheerful
music | Grease



Pebbles! )



-Mel
1 | Giant Fucking Orgy

HAY 04 Sep 2008|10:24am
mood | chipper
music | Xombie by Uncle Outrage

So I think I might have left off in my life with stuff having to do with Edmonton and crappy friends and other things that I'm sure one day will make a really, really campy novelization of my life. It will be pretty over-exaggerated when I write it though. I'm sure.

I'm updating from the college, anyway. I'm sitting in the library, between classes, typing on my rad laptop like someone who's an adult and has a half chance at being a functional member of society. It's both scary and cool in similar doses.

There's also a blonde punk kid sitting across from me with the same laptop as me. SUP MAC FRIEND.

The other great thing about college, is that I never feel the need to wear jeans ever again. I pretty much don't plan on wearing real pants ever again.

So I had a massive stroke of genius earlier today. I mean sure, this college thing isn't looking as hard as they make it seem in books and movies and junk... but I've decided that if it's not working out for me I can always become a mechanic.

Seriously guys, a mechanic. I'm actually liking that idea far more than the concept of being some frou-frou scholar or some bullshit like that. ...It's either that, frou-frou scholardom, or makeup artistry.

Renee and I discussed that one. She's going to finish her hair schooling, I'll go to make-up school and we will open a salon and becoming millionaires and have a show on A&E. Well, I added that last part. I've always wanted to be on an A&E show. Like City Confidential or something. Having my own A&E show would be fucking sweet anyway.

So yeah. Scholar, Mechanic, Makeup Artist.

...I pretty much kick the most ass of anyone ever.


Speaking of Renee, I've been spending a lot of time with her and my other cool friends lately. It's nice to hang out with people who, for the moment, have their heads on straight. We all know how quickly that can change, but so far. Rad.

I miss Amanda. She's learning things in Lethbridge. Right now. As I write this. Learning. Knowledge absorbtion.

So I've gone to two out of three classes so far. I have Chapman for Poli Sci, and she pretty much kicks ass. Her course also sounds pretty easy. I also have McBride for Sociology, and her course sounds pretty dry, but it also seems really easy... PLUS the tests aren't cumulative.

In about 15 minutes, I'm off to Psych to meet Loverock. What an awesome last name.

Oh man, this update is so random.

On the plus side, my textbooks are all wicked cheap and wicked thin. I might even be getting one at a steep discount because it'll be like... third hand. Yessssss.



Other than that, just trying to keep my shit together, learn some other shit, and not ignore shit to do with people.

I don't know. This is really lacking in sensicalness.

-Mel

2 | Giant Fucking Orgy

A Favor House Atlantic 22 Aug 2008|07:34pm
music | The Leaving Song by AFI

Your eyes tell the stories,
of a day you wish you could,
recall the moments that once have,
retrack the footsteps that brought us to this favor.
I wouldn't ask this of you.

Good eye, sniper.
Here I'll shoot, and you run.
The words you scribbled on the walls,
the lots of friends you didn't have,
I'll call you when the time is right,
are you in or are you out?
For them all to know the end of us all,
all.

Run quick, they're behind us,
didn't think we'd ever make it,
this close to safety in one piece.
Now you wanna kill me in the act of what could maybe,
save us from sleep and what we are.

Good eye, sniper.
Now I'll shoot, and you run.
The words you scribbled on the walls,
the lots of friends you didn't have,
I'll call you when the time is right,
are you in or are you out?
For them all to know the end of us all.

Bye bye beautiful,
don't bother to write.
Disturbed by your words and they're calling all cars,
face step, let down.
Face step, step down.

The words you scribbled on the walls,
the lots of friends you didn't have,
I'll call you when the time is right,
are you in or are you out?
For them all to know.

Bye bye beautiful,
don't bother to write.
Disturbed by your words and they're calling all cars,
face step, let down.
Face step, step down.
Bye bye beautiful,
don't bother to write.
Disturbed by your words and they're calling all cars,
face step, let down.
Face step, step down.



-Mel

Giant Fucking Orgy

Feeling like I'm 22 Aug 2008|07:00pm
mood | determined
music | This Time Imperfect by AFI

Remember a few entries down when I wrote about being more positive in my life?

Well, I think I've been tested and passed.

The next day, I was scheduled in last minute to see my doctor, at his request. As it turns out, I may have cervical cancer. We're waiting to get in on a biopsy. There's been enough early notice that they can go slowly on the testing, and there's a pretty good chance that it won't even end up BEING cancer... but considering my family history, we have to be wicked careful.

In any event, it was that day that my former best friend and her SUPER COOL boyfriend started talking trash about me.

But at the end of the day, it hardly even phased me. There's something about tackling the bigger things in life that really puts a harsh perspective on the little PEOPLE. If saying nasty things about a person who maybe has cancer who used to take care of you better than most parents take care of their infants gets your dick hard... who am I to stop you?

Sometimes, with this whole thing, I feel like I'm living in an alternate universe. This stuff wouldn't be going on with the girl I knew. Sometime before her boyfriend, she would have been there holding my hand, just like I had held hers through varying levels of crisis. All the bad stuff happening to me, is something I expect, but the fact that I'm dealing with it day by day, minimizing the amount of panic and rage I feel and just taking good care of everyone I love like nothing's wrong? That's sort of nuts for me.

The fact is, I still am stressed, because losing a friend and being tested for a deadly disease is stressing... but at the end of the day, I'm calm and still in control of myself and my life.

I think there's a lot more drama and pain to go before this stupid chapter in my life is over, but I have a really good support base around me. Even her old friends are rallying to be beside me, because it doesn't matter what I'm doing with my life, I'm still there for them... and I am going to be okay.

Will she come out okay? I can honestly say that I hope she comes out learned and more mature... but I can also honestly say that I don't think she will. I also know that after my fun with cervical cancer, I can't be there to help her anymore. I'm done, because it is just too damn painful...

But I do know that I am going to be okay. No matter what, I win. Because people still love me, and I still love them, and I do. not. feel. alone.




In other, better news, my trip to Edmonton with Jason, was not stress-free, but it was fun. We hung out with Leeanne ([info]lady_goodman) and I met Nils of Uncle Outrage for the first time. Which, by the way, fucking kicked ass. Especially when Nils did heroin.

I am now going to push this entry down the page with a lyrics post.

-Mel

Giant Fucking Orgy

I believe there's a song somewhere with references to nights that you don't remember and friends you 10 Aug 2008|01:29pm
music | Brand New Love by Deadsy

won't forget. Or something.

Last night was absolutely rad. Rad is my word of the month.

"You're haunting this bar. You are haunting this bar with your whiteness. Also, with your face."

"Shouldn't you be eating rice in a Honda right now?!"


Awesome...

awesome.


Last night I realized something. No matter how much we bitch and bullshit, there's genuine love and concern there, between my friends and I. And there aren't a lot of feelings better than that. So yeah, I might be rolling my eyes 9 times out of 10, but that's okay because it's out of love.

Things are well.

-Mel

Giant Fucking Orgy

Your life is hype, your love is hype. 01 Aug 2008|02:34am
mood | uncomfortable
music | Valerie by Ghost of the Robot

WHY AM I STILL UP?

I think it has something to do with this new fun stuffy nose thing that's happening to me.

And also probably the fact that my mom's boyfriend is going to be in my house for the next six weeks. And then she's leaving, for four months.

How pissed off I am is a pretty good indicator of how happy SHE is. It's all very eye-roll worthy. Especially on my end. I really have no idea why this dude makes me so miserable, but pretty much any time she opens her mouth I wanna tear a strip off her. And for all the crap that she always does that usually makes me laugh, on top of all that.

I pretty much suck when it comes to accepting men into my mother's life.

I'm also faintly certain that she has terrible taste in men.

Except this guy isn't so bad. I don't know. I have no idea.

I'm probably feeling pretty abandoned.


So I've been having some massive talks with Jason lately. We pretty much talked out any little one-year sort of... differences that we had with each other, and we're working on keeping it working. I'm not sure this paragraph makes sense.

He's also sort of provided some pretty valuable grounding insight into a couple other dilemmas with people. Unlike me, he's not prone to snap judgments about people. He's got a pretty even-keeled view on what a lot of people are doing, especially compared to me. I think someone is the kind of stupid that is impossible for me to understand, he thinks that the same person is just going through a tough time and trying to figure their life out.

It's a little bit sad how someone as nice as him got stuck with me.

In any event, his opinions on things have kind of led me to stop making proclamations as to people's unfailing cuntyness, and pushed me more toward not paying attention until they're good and ready to stop doing whatever it is that's driving me nuts. I'm still judging people left and right, and correctly if you ask anyone else... but I'm slowing down with the harsh decisions.

I think that I need to get back to the basic things that I've tried to build my personality on. I'm hoping that by the end of the summer I'll have wiped the slate clean of being... (not harsh. I was going to say harsh, but I think there's a place in the world for people with harsh opinions that no one wants to hear. I think that there's a very important place on the planet for brutal honesty like mine, actually.) obnoxious about it.

I think it's time to make sure I have the higher ground, and then just letting people do whatever they want. If what they're doing vibes with what I'm doing, then good. If it doesn't, I'm going to have to let it go a lot better than I have been doing.

...And having the higher ground is pretty much going to entail stopping with all the negativity towards people who are upsetting me, while keeping with the honesty. It'll be better to say, "I think that it's a huge mistake, and I hope someone will help when it all ends, because I'm not sure I'll be able to." rather than "I hope they wrap their fucking stupid vehicle around a tree."

Option 1 just FEELS better. And the hyperbole involved in option 2 in some cases negates the truth of the statement. Option 1 is all truth.

I think a major focus in the next little while will be pushing my attitude in a more positive direction. "I don't understand...", "I feel like...", "I think that..." are still just as honest as "Peggy is a fucking whore", but I think that the venom in the latter is something that leaks into my life and affects my feelings toward life in general, and are causing a very negative and exhausted outlook on EVERYTHING. That even includes the things that are definitely good.

I'm looking at you, my car. Oh yeah, and my boyfriend.

(It occurs to me that saying "I feel like Peggy is a fucking whore" is definitely a trap I could get pulled into. ...Must make sure I concentrate on making the statements AFTER the feeling words mild as well.)

Speaking of clean slates and fresh starts, much as I did post-Dan, I went through and deleted people from my Facebook. Mostly people who wouldn't stop and talk to me in public, and a few negative relationships... also one dude who Jason informed me was quite possibly a psychopath. The whole thing is a symbolic gesture anyway, but emotionally, it actually DOES feel like less baggage. I figure it'll probably be easier to clean a slate when my hands aren't full, to mix metaphors pretty severely.

Less negativity is always good. And I was always claiming that I hated the people who walked into Safeway with their bitch-faces strapped on tight before we even opened our mouths... so I sort of feel like... why would I tolerate negativity from people who are supposed to be close to me? Short answer: I'm not fucking going to anymore.

I've spoken a lot recently about how my life isn't terrible. And I would know, because I know what terrible ACTUALLY is. This is definitely not it.

In any event, if my life's not awful, I should probably try living it that way.




Maybe.

We'll see.

-Mel

Giant Fucking Orgy

01 Aug 2008|01:13am
mood | tired
music | Hardcore Troubadour by Steve Earle. In my head. All day long

I find pretty much everyone I know to be exhausting.

That could be a potential roadblock to my social life at some point in the near future.

Or I could just be suffering from my usual Thursday Night Bad Mood.

Note to self: do figure this out.

-Mel

Giant Fucking Orgy

Quotes. 22 Jul 2008|04:29pm
mood | amused
music | Take Me or Leave Me, from Rent

I took these from entries past. Most of them involve people I now hate. However, remembering the good times can't ever be harmful:



Me: Because I have a little thing called a social life.
Jonathan: Like when you sit at home alone in the dark?
Me: That's only on Fridays.


"Who are you, Jack Nicholson? EAT YOUR FUCKING DINNER." - Turner


"You know, since you're sitting with me while I eat, this is considered a date, right? ...And you also know, that all my dates finish with hot tub makeout sessions? There are high expectations here." - Marco


Turner: Hey, are YOU single?
Me: 4etjngldkgn kld w1111dkslgkdrng klglksjglsdn jsngkls !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11eighteen. "...Yes."


Mel says:
he's skinny, you could take him
Chris says:
word
Mel says:
I bet your penis is bigger too.
Chris says:
really?
Chris says:
how big is his?
Chris says:
wait that was extemely gay


"Ami James IS sexy. I would put his head in my vagina." - Shantel


"I'm Benedict! Like the Pope, but without the numbers!" - Benedict


"You see, our donuts don't have holes, which means we're getting more donut. American Capitalism has been giving you less donut for you dollar your whole life, and I bet you didn't even notice!" - Benedict


Dominik: I noticed you had a tattoo on your back. Do you also have one on your ass?
Me: No...
Dominik: Oh, well here we call that arschgewei.
C: What?!
Dominik: Ass Antlers!


M: The toilets here, they're like little platforms, where like, your poop is just presented to you. I won't lie, I've turned around and taken a look.
C: You mean to say that you examined your poop?
Me: I got curious.


Paddy: So anyhow, he ended up going to Calgary and spending $600 on two hookers. Then *mumbles* had them pee on him.
Me: Today is the best day ever.


"I AM SERIOUSLY GOING TO SHIT AN ENTIRE BRICK HOUSE." - Hot guy behind us in the airport line.


Sean: There's this guy who comes in, and he smells so bad. I just want to drop some deodorant in with his purchases. We're already giving out razors, so it would work.
C: Why are you giving out razors at a video game store?
Me: In case World of Warcraft players wake up to what they're doing and decide to do the right thing.


Sean says: well now see this is what i'm saying... not all men are such fucking idiots
Mel says: I've yet to meet one that's not.
Sean says: well then hello I'm Seam
Sean says: Sean
Mel says: did you just misspell your own name?


Me: Hello Alexander! I never get to pet my dinosaur because I'm always driving.
Dan: I can pet your dinosaur from here.
C: That looks really good from the back, guys.


"That's a motherfucking harmonica. ...THAT'S A MOTHERFUCKING GUITAR SOLO." - Me


Me: I need to get laid.
C: Then why didn't you work the Patrick angle, y'know, flirt hardcore?
Me: Because I am on the rag.
C: Oh.
Me: Yes, I am bleeding from my vagina. ...You're welcome.
Dan: I was just getting to saying thank you.


Christiana says:
I'll work the Glen end.
Christiana says:
And if I don't get a hold of him by the end of the weekend I will be e-mailing him.
Mel says:
you can email him?!
Christiana says:
I have his e-mail.
Mel says:
I sounded totally technically retarded just there
Mel says:
...I'm glad you caught my point though
Christiana says:
And the landline that will be installed on the 12th.
Mel says:
THEY'RE GETTING A PHONE?


Dan says:
I need to buy a trimmer
Mel says:
...
Dan says:
for my 'beard'
Dan says:
it works about a thousand times better than attempting to trim witha razr
Dan says:
razor that is
Mel says:
I can see how trying to cut your hair with an overpriced piece of shit cell phone might be hard.


"Keifer Sutherland is so hot for me right now." - Me


Me: Your total comes to ...*whatever it was.*
Customer hands me his visa.
I swipe it and it's processing.

Customer: Are you sure you swiped that the right way?
Me: Actually sir, I'm not. You see, I only do it hundreds of times a day. Let's wait and see what happens in case the polarity on the magnet reader on the machine suddenly reversed itself from five minutes ago.
The receipt starts printing.
Me: Whew! All is right in the world!


Bouncer: Okay guys, time to get out of here.
Me: We're on the way out, just looking for someone.
Bouncer: Gotta go.
Me: You're really very helpful. You deserve a medal for how damn helpful you are.



-Mel

PS: The bouncer mentioned in the last quote?
Now my boyfriend of almost a year.

Giant Fucking Orgy

:) 16 Jul 2008|05:01pm
mood | calm
music | Hot N Cold by Katy Perry

Girl, don't bother to lock your door,
he's out there hollering, "darlin' don't you love me no more?"
You always let him in before now didn't you?
He's just singing the some old song,
that he always sang before,
he's the last of the hard-core troubadours.

Now girl, better figure out which is which.
wherefore art thou Romeo, you son of a bitch.
You'd just as soon fight as switch, now wouldn't you?
He's come to make love on your satin sheets,
wake up on your living room floor,
he's the last of the hard-core troubadours.

He's the lost of the all-night, do right,
stand beneath your window 'til daylight,
he's the last of the hard-core troubadours.
Baby, what you waitin' for?

Girl, figure out what you're gonna do,
when he moves on again and he leaves you alone and blue.
But you knew he is just passin' through, now didn't you?
And now you can't just say this is the last time baby,
like you always did before,
he's the last of the hard-core troubadours.

He's the lost of the all-night, do right,
stand beneath your window 'til daylight,
he's the last of the hard-core troubadours.
Baby, what you waitin' for?
He's the lost of the all-night, do right,
hey Rosalita won't you come out tonight?
He's the last of the hard-core troubadours.




Love that song.

-Mel

Giant Fucking Orgy

Grey 15 Jul 2008|03:22pm
So I've been around. Trying too hard to keep myself away from thoughts about my dad. July 4th would have been his birthday, and July 14th was the first anniversary of his death.

That means that the week or so between those two dates was the week my entire life broke.

No friendship, personal relationship, or relationship with myself has been quite the same since then.

Whether people were jealous of the money I came into, whether I lost friends entirely, whether a person no longer inspired me to give a shit about them... all those things are still branching into my life today. To this day, I can still feel the effects that that week had on me. Even when I learn troubling secrets about people we all thought we knew, I can't bring myself to be shocked.

Every time a person does something depraved, immoral, or just plain stupid, I can't make myself care anymore.

The only people I give a shit about anymore, are the few people who are so plain and uncomplicated and sweet, that they'll never throw me a curve ball... and if they did, I'd probably just be happy to know that they were alive in there.

Life progresses on, just like it's supposed to. It's even gained a little speed, moved from a stumble to a crawl... and hopefully I can get my shit sorted out when it comes to all this grief and guilt and all these useless fragments of people I used to call my friends.

Sometimes I think I'll just obliterate my former life and make an entirely new set of friends, the old ones never to be seen or heard from again. It'd be easier, I don't think I even LIKE most of them anymore, on any level.

I don't think I have much faith in anyone aside from myself.

I'm pretty much just numb to my life, hoping maybe one day, someone will shock me out of the uncaring stupor I've been in. But even if they don't, it's not like I'm not surviving. I don't mean this whole thing to sound like I'm feeling slow and unhappy, because things are happening for me, I'm in love, I have my three remaining friends, and I'm even going to attempt to educate myself.

I'm wondering really, if I'll ever be the ice queen, bombshell, bon vivant, superbitch, melancholic, rageaholic ... all those crazy but endearing things I once was... or if I'll just settle for being quietly cute and in love with a sweet boy. If I'll always wonder how life would have been, or if I'll go back to living it.

I'm just so tired of feeling like I'm in limbo.


-Mel
1 | Giant Fucking Orgy

Best. All-nighter. Ever. 20 Jun 2008|06:23am
Everything feels fantastic.
2 | Giant Fucking Orgy

... 16 Jun 2008|01:26pm
mood | awake

So. Things are back to normal. At least in a father-related emotional way. I'm still bothered but venting helps.

Jason and I feel fantastic, which scares the crap out of me, of course. We're also planning a trip, which, if my relationships stay true to form, will mean we'll break up two weeks prior to leaving. Stay tuned!

No really though, Evan and Dan both pulled a whole, oh, well now that we've made plans to travel together, and maybe even spent some money, LET'S JUST BE FRIENDS deal. And really, with those being the most recent two of my big four formerly important relationships... I am actually seriously a little on edge. Jason and I really are doing fantastically, but lightning definitely can strike twice.

I'm also trying to be open to resurrecting some iffy friendships. Not OLD friendships, I can see at least two or three henious bitches wrinkling their noses in disgust (Not ever girls. ATTBUIG.) No. IFFY ones. I'm just trying to see where things are going and be receptive to change. It's pretty zen.

In any event, I think the major stressor in my life is my job. My last day of which, is the 30th. Hopefully that will ease a lot of the discomfort I'm having right now, life-wise.

We'll see.

-Mel

Giant Fucking Orgy

Things that left on a Saturday. 15 Jun 2008|01:01am
So, I freaking HATE this whole "first year of grieving" thing. I mean, of COURSE everything gets easier over time... but today just happens to be the redheaded bastard stepchild of Hallmark Holidays (!) ...Father's Day. That's right, power tools power tools power tools, father father father father father.. HAHA YOU DON'T HAVE ONE OF THOSE ANYMORE.

It's also not like I'm going to call Grandad either, because having a decrepit old man ask who I am for ten minutes and then start crying over his black sheep son... well, okay. That's probably not going to make me feel much better.

So. Yep. Father-less on Father's Day.

And of course, like so many other things, Father's Day didn't matter to me when he was alive, mostly because he could be such an unpalatable asshole the other 364 days of a standard year. And yes, even Christmas. Actually, especially Christmas. So I don't know if I kind of regret the whole thing, or what.

I'm thinking pretty specifically of one thing I do regret. I'm not exactly sure if talking about it is going to be the best remedy for dealing with it... but it helped with the asshole ex situation, did it not?

Okay.

Fuck.

Okay.

I feel like a horrible, awful person sometimes. Like the kind of person I always accuse my ex of being, or the kind of person who kicks puppies, steals candy from 4 year-olds, puts kittens in microwaves and then drives a Cadillac Escalade home at top speed on a windy road with no passengers; to fall into bed and sleep like a baby.

(I wrote that entire description to avoid saying this.)

I don't think he even knew that I visited him in the hospital the day he died. I didn't reach out and touch his hands because they were swollen, and I was getting sick, and I hated him in general, and I hated him specially that day for going ahead and fucking DYING when my life had already made two points of a three-point turn going DUE SOUTH. I didn't say a word to him. I just sat in the chair by his bed and watched The fucking Negotiator on TBS when it was still TBS and not Peachtree or whatever the fuck it is now and ignored the fact that I knew I'd never speak to him again because I couldn't handle the way I felt about him. I didn't say a word, I didn't reach out and grab his hand or wipe sweat off his forehead, or put stuff on his lips or any of the stuff his bitch girlfriend did while he was there...

Basically, there was no hope of him ever even have woken up the tiniest bit and see that yes, his daughter did go to see him.

I feel so shitty about that that I don't think I'll ever leave it behind.

I think about that at least once a day, and usually more like three or four times.

Everything else in my life has the potential to be going so right, and



I can't even finish this. I hate myself for all that.
4 | Giant Fucking Orgy

... 14 Jun 2008|02:35pm
mood | contemplative
music | Stricken by Disturbed

So I've resisted it for years, but Ten Thousand Fists is ACTUALLY a sort of great effort.

I've been thinking a lot lately about how things tend to surprise me.

I'm expecting yet another pendulum swing.


-Mel

2 | Giant Fucking Orgy

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